Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)For your birthday, go out and party like it’s 1999 … when you were still in junior high. Don’t let anyone tell you awkward co-ed pool parties aren’t cool!
Aries (March 21-April 19)Fake ‘n’ baking to get some color before spring break will earn you the nickname of “carrot top-less” on your wild Cancun vacation. Hey, orange is a color.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)In a clever way to get out of class participation, you decideD to give up talking for Lent. What you didn’t plan on is that your professors are secretly glad they won’t have to deal with you. Work on that.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)You finally discover that your mystery illness is actually salmonella that you got after your roommate dared you to eat three jars of peanut butter. But honestly, salmonella in peanut butter?!?!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)Your Mardi Gras celebration went slightly astray when you drunkenly tried to throw beads at your dog. Apparently, Fido doesn’t like the color blue and proceeded to tell you so.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)My Very Energetic Mother Just Delivered Nine … whoops. Looks like you’re not getting pizza this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Congratulations, you will win the lottery. Not really, but wouldn’t that be cool if you did?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Going home this weekend will revive your hatred of the Jersey Turnpike. Traffic, crazy drivers and stupid signs that tell drivers to remove snow from cars before driving. It’s enough to make anyone mad.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)If someone asks how you are, be honest. See what happens. Make new friends. Live happily ever after.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Stop eating your roommate’s food. You may think no one can see you, but the world is watching.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)While it’s understandable that Britney Spears is your hero, it may be time to rethink your decision to emulate her every move. You may think you’ll look good with a shaved head, but you won’t.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Cuddly bunnies will lick your feet while you sleep.