Taurus (April 20-May 20)After participating in Balloon Day as a hugger, you decide to pursue this occupation on a daily basis. Free hugs really do make the world a better place.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)Your horoscope is too shocking to print. You know what this is about. What were you thinking?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)Mexico is not our neighbor to the north. That might be an important detail to change in your final paper on immigration laws.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)Perpetuating your tradition of screaming “I want to have your babies” at NovaFest wasn’t a good idea. One of these days, some singer is going to think you’re making fun of his impotence problem and get really offended

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Remember to adjust your fake tan from “just returned from the Bahamas for a week in the middle of the winter” to “that’s right, I have a house on the Jersey shore.” Just don’t overdo it with “there’s a tanning booth in my basement.” Too leathery.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Twenty-page paper due? Spend time doing “practical research,” aka testing how long it takes you to finish the most difficult Sudoku of your life. Who cares if it’s not relevant to the politics of Canadian society?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)You have had your most memorable NovaFest. Unfortunately, you will forever be known as the kid who fell asleep in a bush.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Cutting your own hair may have seemed like a great idea at the time. It’s cheap, fast … and no one will notice that big chunk missing in the back, really.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)After being told you need to take modesty pills (and you get over your confusion at the fact that someone even told you to take modesty pills), maybe you should take the hint and knock down that ego a couple pegs.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Dude, the sandwich you had for lunch may not have been the best sandwich you’ve ever had, but don’t hate. Processed turkey has feelings, too.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)As great as it would be if the Phillies actually did something right this season, don’t get your hopes up. It is Philly, after all.

Aries (March 21-April 19)Remember how Residence Life always tells you not to prop residence hall doors open? Yeah, way to let two deer into Moulden. Next time, invite Thumper and Flower, too.