Taurus (April 20-May 20)You are not vindicated. Her kiss will not kill you and you will not die happy. Now stop listening to Dashboard Confessional and find a new band to cry over this summer, emo kid.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)Try to set a record for the most summer concert festivals attended in one year. Then get really good health insurance to pay for hearing aids.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)Your constant politically incorrect comments will get you in trouble this summer at your internship with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. You might want to work on that …
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)Two and a half words: Slip ‘n’ Slide.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)Dress up like a pirate to go see the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie. You may get jumped by pirate groupies (they really do exist; it’s disturbing), but at least you’ll be way hotter than a half-spider, half-man in spandex.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Nice job scoring tickets to the Dispatch Zimbabwe concert. Just don’t forget to request that day off from work, ’cause if you waste a ticket, the world will hate you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)Studying abroad this summer will prove to be your best idea yet … if you can elude the Italian mafia. It’s okay; just invoke the magical powers of Tony Soprano.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Feeling inspired, take your idea of “emo” characters and turn them into action figures. “Emo Barbie,” complete with black hair dye and 14 piercings, and “Tickle Me Emo Elmo” with matching red Converse will be your top sellers.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)When you wear your new gold-plated, diamond-encrusted grill to the Jersey Shore, stay away from the salt water taffy. It will be a sticky mess, and that’s just gross.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Working at a shoe store this summer may not be so bad. After-hours shoe fights could be a constant source of entertainment. Make a “no stilettos” rule, though. If that doesn’t work, there’s always employee discounts.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)You will go on your dream date this summer: a long walk on the sandy beach with the golden sun setting over the horizon and the crisp smell of stale fried dough in the air of the classic boardwalk backdrop. That’s poetry, dude.
Aries (March 21-April 19)You will learn that the mysterious Villanovan staff member through whom the stars communicate is graduating, and then you will lament all summer. The stars said so. Now start lamenting.