Welcome one, welcome all to the most frightening haunted house this side of the Delaware. No, you won’t run into any grimy ogres, nor will you encounter any masked men with chainsaws in this place. This is a special haunted house – a house that only the stoutest of hearts can bear. Before we enter, let me warn you: there are certain things in this house that may be considered “supernatural,” but do not worry. If any of you are having second thoughts about this house, I suggest that you leave now. Okay, now let us enter, if you dare.

The first room that we enter may very well contain the most frightening sights in the entire house, and by the way, if you are scared of projectiles, then I suggest closing your eyes. To your right, in the distance, you will see Dante Cunningham receiving a pass with an open lane in front of him. Talk about a scary sight! If you walk ahead, you will see some of the Big East guards’ worse nightmare: trying to guard Scottie Reynolds one-on-one. If you look closely, you can see a virtual representation of Texas Tech Head Coach Bobby Knight after a loss in the far corner of the room. As you exit the room, try not to be too frightened when you behold the 5-12 matchup in opening round of the NCAA Tournament.

Now let us venture into the room of “hardball horror.” Straight ahead you will see Josh Beckett in his wind-up, ready to throw a 97-mph fastball three inches from your cheek. And to think, you were actually scared of the doll from “Saw.” Next, to your left, you will see what some consider the most terrifying sight in the 48 contiguous states: Manny Ramirez with a microphone in front of him.

Now let us proceed to the “pigskin panic” room. While we are in this room, you may want to watch out for blindside hits coming from Shawne Merriman and Jonathan Vilma. As you gaze to your left, you will see the terrifying sight of Brian Westbrook in the open field. Straight ahead is John Madden’s monstrous bill from dinner the other night. To the right sits Tank Johnson’s firearm collection and the Cincinnati Bengals’ criminal records. Also, if you really want to be frightened, I suggest stopping by our gift shop at the end of the tour and picking up a Bowl Championship Series for Dummies manual. We also have Bill Cowher masks and Troy Polamalu hair in stock that are available for purchase as well.

As we proceed into the “hall of hockey,” please look out for Detroit Red Wing squid being thrown at you. To your right, you will behold the blood-curdling sight of Washington Capital enforcer Donald Brashear dropping his gloves, ready to deliver a punch to any one of our lucky guests. Also, if you aren’t careful, you might miss the spine-tingling sight of trying to stop Sidney Crosby on a breakaway. Lastly, if you look up on the ceiling, you will see the ratings of televised NHL games from last season.

Now let us journey into the hall of random frights. As you walk in, you will see a list of every new record set in the world of sports in the past 10 years. Next to the list, you will see a bag of used syringes, and I promise you that this was a total coincidence. Hanging from the ceiling, you will see Bill Belichick’s grotesque wardrobe. Also lurking in this room are mixed martial artists Tito Ortiz, Randy Coture and Chuck Liddell; so, have fun with that. In the case to your right, you will see the original movie scripts for “The Sandlot 2” and “Rocky II” through “V.” On the wall, you will see a large photograph of former Florida Gator Joakim Noah’s face. Parents, if your young ones have trouble sleeping at night, I suggest they look away. Behind the Don King hair and Steve Phillips’ baseball analysis sits the wretched sight of the Phoenix Suns uniforms. Be sure not to be too scared if you behold the sight of Shaquille O’Neal setting a pick in this room. Another thing to look out for in this room is the intimidating Andy Roddick serving up tennis balls at speeds reaching 130 mph. Also, beware of the Tiger Woods scorecard, which shows him having the lead going into the final day of a tournament. One final horrifying sight lurks straight ahead of us now, an 8:30 a.m. class. The good news is that this monster is avoidable (unless you are an engineer).

That is all for today’s fright fest. We hope you all can join us back here for the holidays when we host the Adam “Pacman” Jones “Why make it rain when we can let it snow?” Christmas Extravaganza.

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Justin DiBiase is a junior civil engineering major from Franklinville, N.J. He can be reached at [email protected].