Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You will be overjoyed when you discover that many of the old-school Nickelodeon shows you loved during your youth are now out on DVD. Party on Saturday night? Forget that – you’ll be curled up on the couch watching “Clarissa Explains It All.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In a freak chemical accident, you will be covered in the experimental substance GC-161. As a result, you will now be able to zap things and morph into a silvery liquid.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) For all you Capricorns out there, here’s some vital information for your everyday life: When you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned. When you play with your neighbor’s 10-foot python, you’re gonna get bit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Having trouble finding that amazing summer internship? Maybe you should consider other options, like being a counselor at Camp Anawanna.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You will kick yourself when you finally come up with the perfect Halloween costume for you and your date a week late – You could have been the Blue Barracudas!
Aries (March 21-April 19) You will abandon your dream of medical school when you decide that your real goal in life is to get a piece of the Aggro Crag.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) When your friend dares you to do something, you will instinctively respond, “I’ll take the physical challenge!”
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Your head will morph into the shape of a football, and a girl named Helga will start nagging you incessantly.
Cancer (Jun 22-July 22) Here’s some more vital information for your everyday life: It’s nice to buy your roommate a birthday present. It’s not nice to buy your roommate a year’s supply of Brussels sprouts.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You will be overcome by an insatiable urge to pie all of your friends in the face.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Who loves orange soda? You love orange soda! You do, you do, you do, you do-oo!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You will spend the entire weekend flipping through the channels, unable to find anything good and wishing it was 1995 again and you could watch SNICK.