Movie fans have the Oscars. TV addicts have the Emmys. Music nuts get the Grammys. Drag queens have the Tonys. But sports fans really don’t have an awards show to get excited about (and, don’t give me the ESPYs, which are just another hours-long patting ourselves on the back session by the Worldwide Leader).
Therefore, I am providing you bits and pieces of my proposed run list for the First Annual Out of Boundsy Awards show.
7:00 – Athletes and celebrities begin their treks down the red carpet. Donovan McNabb trips, tears his ACL and ends up missing the entire ’08 season.
7:38 – A slightly intoxicated Joe Namath, being interviewed by reporter Erin Andrews, is asked what the most memorable part of his playing career was, to which Namath responds, “I just want to round second base with you.”
8:00 – The show’s host, Jimmy Kimmel, appears on stage to begin his opening monologue. Unlike his co-hosting stint last year at the ESPYs, he is not only allowed but encouraged to make fun of Joe Theismann.
8:14 – The first award of the night, “Best Love Scene,” is presented by Hollywood star Jessica Alba. Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini’s awkward hug from the ’07 NFL playoffs wins in a landslide. Mangini accepts the award on behalf of both, since the Patriots’ coach couldn’t been in attendance, but the audience is told that Belichick is taping the whole thing.
8:59 – The award of “Worst Sportscaster Duo” is handed out by Charles Barkley, who earlier in the night took home the “Best Thing About the NBA” award. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver win and go on to recreate the Adrien Brody-Halle Berry kiss from the Oscars a few years ago. Meanwhile, in the stands, Mary Kate Olsen throws up because of the scene, gets up from her seat to go to the bathroom, turns sideways and immediately goes missing.
9:13 – Kimmel, who has an incentive in his contract that if he hits 20 Isiah Thomas jokes during the show, cracks on the Knicks’ sexual harassment scandal. Stephon Marbury laughs his ass off, then gets told he’s being benched for the Knicks’ latest backcourt signing, Teen Wolf.
9:27 – Presenter Samuel L. Jackson gets in trouble with censors after recreating his famous line from “Snakes on a Plane” in a reference about all the love by broadcasters toward certain NFL quarterbacks. In a tightly contested category, Tony Romo, Brett Favre, Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady duke it out for “Biggest NFL Media Man Crush.” Brady wins, then brags about the latest supermodel he knocked up. Everyone gets a big kick out of it because he’s Tom Brady, and he does Movado ads.
9:54 – Sean Salisbury is handed the award for “Most Inappropriate Use of Technology in the Workplace” for his little “self-portrait” camera phone incident.
10:36 – Michael Vick wins the “Honorary Cincinnati Bengal” award for his jail sentence. Vick, accepting his award via sattelite, sports an orange jumpsuit in recognition of his Out of Boundsy win.
11:11 – The Dolphins capture the “Worst Team” award easily, but aren’t given their trophy when John Beck, Cleo Lemon and Cam Cameron go up to accept the award and no one recognizes them.
11:47 – Finally the last award of the night is given as “Out of Bounds Person of the Year” is presented by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Isiah wins, and before he’s handed his award, Kimmel tells him he can only have it if the Knicks crack 60 points next time they play the Celts. Thomas punches Kimmel in the throat and gets arrested for assault and battery. Following the show, James Dolan gives Isiah another vote of confidence, making Thomas the early frontrunner for the ’08 award.
DON’T STEAL MY TEAM, PLEASE
I have a secret to admit. I am a bit of a rare breed. In fact, what I am about to call myself you may not have even thought existed.
I am a die-hard New Jersey Nets fan. That’s right, we do exist. We are on the endangered species list, but we’re there.
With the latest Jason Kidd rumors popping up (it was bound to happen sooner or later), NBA analysts immediately began chiming in with where they think Kidd (who I consider the best point guard in the game, yes, even better all-around than that Nash guy) should end up. You can pretty much hear the giddiness in their voices as they move Kidd to either the Lakers or the Cavaliers and make him Kobe or LeBron’s faithful sidekick. In these mock trades, the Nets usually end up with the equivalent of Sasha Vujacic or Donyell Marshall and a second-round draft pick.
All I ask is that the media treat the Nets like a real team deserving of a superstar like J-Kidd. Granted, their play has been mediocre this season, but would the league honestly be better if we stacked a few teams with all the stars? Seriously guys, this is why the NBA is suffering …
NFL Week 15 Picks
TEXANS (Pick ’em) over Broncos: No one knows who’s playing quarterback in Houston from week to week, but they’ve been a good home team, and Denver is one of the biggest disappointments of the season.
Ravens (-3) over DOLPHINS: Think the Ravens will be pumped to kill Miami after they got owned by Indy on national TV?
COWBOYS (-10.5) over Eagles: If this was in Philly, I’d give the Birds a better chance at keeping this one close, but all I can envision for this one is a bunch of Eagles fans questioning Romo and T.O.’s sexual orientation all day.
Packers (-10) over RAMS: Recent discoveries have uncovered that it was actually a perfect spiral off the right hand of Brett Favre that destroyed the Berlin Wall. Correct your textbooks accordingly.
Colts (-10.5) over Raiders: Just because the Raiders are better than they were last year doesn’t give Vegas an excuse to give them any kind of respect. Seriously, they’re the Raiders.
Seahawks (-7.5) over PANTHERS: Can it be? I’m trusting Seattle these days? Well, they’ve won five straight, and right about now is when I’d normally jump off the bandwagon … that is, if they weren’t playing Carolina.
Bills (+5.5) over BROWNS: With the final Wild Card spot in the AFC on the line, this one has “crazy finish” written all over it. This could be one of the best games of the NFL season.
Last Week: 7-0-0
Real Men of Genius
This week, we salute you, British singer Tony Henry. Your slip up before a European Championship 2008 “football” (soccer) match was one for the ages. Get ready for your lesson in Croatian, kids. Henry was supposed to sing the line “mila kuda si planina,” which means “you know my dear how I love your mountains.” Instead, Henry sang something just a little different. His line was “mila kura si planina,” which translates into “my dear, my penis is a mountain.”
While the misspeak was blatantly wrong, and could have been deemed offensive by Croatians, the home team beat England 3-2. Apparently Henry’s ridiculous praise about his manhood rallied an entire nation to a big-time athletic triumph. Reports of other countries considering slipping genitalia references into their national anthems to inspire national fervor are currently unconfirmed.
YouTubin’ Clip of the Week
See the video at
The NBA’s new marketing campaign, “Where Amazing Happens,” has attempted to restore the league’s image after the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal. The ads focus on the big moments and the unforgettable plays. If ESPN.com columnist and NBA guru Bill Simmons had his way, however, the TV spots might be a bit more brutally honest, as evidenced by this week’s clip.