Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Santa is coming. He knows whether you’ve been naughty or nice. And being nice for the next two weeks will not make up for all the naughty, so don’t even bother trying. Embrace the naughty.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Stop wearing cargo shorts! No one cool has worn them since ‘Nam! (“Superbad” reference – if you don’t get it, the stars command you to buy the DVD immediately.)
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)Ghosts haunt your apartment. Prepare to rid your space of these spirits with Voodoo rituals and disinfectant.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)You will go into hypovolaemic shock when you come to terms with the fact that this is the last issue of the semester and you will be without the stars’ guidance over break. But snap out of it – we’ll be back Jan. 17.
Aries (March 21-April 19)In the ultimate display of your ineptitude with alarm clocks, you will unfortunately sleep through one of your finals. Good luck explaining that one to the ‘rents.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)Stop wishing that you had Jesse’s girl. Jesse and his girlfriend actually have an extremely solid relationship, and you will never find a woman like that.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)Maybe you should keep a tighter watch on your wallet. Two hundred dollars spent on posters – not a good decision. Four hundred dollars spent on a TV that cannot even fit through your doorway – an even worse decision.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)Just because you think you rule the world does not mean that you can eavesdrop of other people’s conversations. What you overhear will only get you into a pile of trouble.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)All those engineering classes will finally pay off when you construct a completely realistic and to-scale model of your residence hall – in gingerbread.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)For the last time, do not talk on your cell phone while waiting in line at the Pit. You’ll wish you’d just waited a few minutes to send that text when it plops into a big vat of syrup, leaving you with one sticky mess.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)This weekend at the bar, you will be the center of a sandwich made by two unknown men in tuxedos.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)You will be saddened to learn that three of The Vill-anovan’s senior staff members will be leaving after this issue, moving on to bigger and better things. Peace out to our favorite cub scouts!