Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You will spend the next week recovering from chocolate overload; those chocolate hearts are killer.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This weekend you will undertake a new life goal: teaching hawks to dance. Consider giving up in a week or two; it just won’t work.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When calculating your midterm grades, you might want to skip telling the whole class why you are ahead of them in rank. People stopped caring about that after they got in to college.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

While packing for spring break, remember that you can’t carry everything you own. Try to limit yourself to four suitcases and a carry-on.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)

Intramural basketball may be over for your team, but don’t worry; softball is your season. You will improve infinitely and maybe even win a game.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When signing your friends up for random e-mails, you will discover the best Web site ever: Culinary Tour de France. Sign up now.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Be careful to lock your door when you go to sleep tonight. The creepy guy down the hall might come in and creepily attack you – either that or you got those scratches from the silver monkey.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your Facebook stalking finally has a purpose – you found your future spouse. If you actually meet them, you should pretend you don’t know all his favorite movies and TV shows … and interests.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The stars know you were feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day when you were surrounded by couples and wish you good luck when you run into all the girls you hooked up with that night. Try and keep the names straight.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your significant other appreciates the gifts you got them; that doesn’t mean the ridiculous things won’t be exchanged for something they actually like.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Begin reading for your midterms immediately. While you probably regret not doing the reading when assigned, you can most likely catch up if you spend 26 hours a day studying.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It is too late to book a trip to Aruba for spring break. At this point, you’ll have to settle for the Jersey shore. The stars suggest just staying home and watching movies that take place in the Caribbean.