Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will have the Valentine’s Day you’ve always dreamed of – perfect date, perfect present, perfect everything. Enjoy your success, but all of your single friends really won’t want to hear you go on and on about it for the next two weeks.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
When you open up a box of Sweethearts, the first one you’ll see will read “2,000 Hugs.” The little candy will inspire you to actually give 2,000 hugs today. While it’s an admirable goal, maybe you should only hug people you actually know – strangers will not appreciate the invasion of their personal space.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You will receive a red rose from a secret admirer. You’ll be the envy of all your friends, but the need to figure out who sent it will quickly start to drive you insane.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When you’re out on a date tonight, make sure to avoid ordering anything containing date-ending ingredients. Onion breath – not sexy.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Today you will dress in all black, mourning another installment of what you like to call “Singles Awareness Day.”
Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)
While having a candle-light dinner was a good idea, you will regret it as you watch your curtains become engulfed in flames. Now you’ll know why there are rules against having candles in your room.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
All day long you will be haunted by memories of Valentine’s Days past – like that time when everyone found out that you sent yourself a flower signed “from a secret admirer.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Remember how you and your girlfriend promised not get each other gifts this year? Yeah, well, she didn’t keep her half of the bargain. She bought you a gift and will be expecting one in return tonight. You better get a move on.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Put down the phone. It is not a good idea to go through your contacts and call up all of your exs. Trust the stars – there’s no possible way that could end well.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When that cute guy in your class hands you a Sweethearts candy, you’ll be ecstatic. But joy will quickly turn to disappointment when you see that it says “Wise Up.” Ouch!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
While it may have worked in the second grade, a handmade gift won’t really impress your girlfriend.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Before inviting your significant other over to your apartment for a romantic dinner, make sure to clean up at least a little. A floor covered in trash doesn’t exactly set the mood.