Aries (March 21-April 19)When you are listing your birthday presents to your friends, make sure you clarify that the gun you got from your brother is actually a bubble gun.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)It’s almost time to start those giant papers that are all due on the same day. First step, find massive books in the library and haul them back to your room right away. You can complete steps 2-20 the night before the papers are due.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)Blame all that weight you’ve gained (and those jeans that don’t fit) on your parents. Evidently lack of sleep as a baby increases your risk of obesity. It is clearly not because you have Wingers and Campus Corner on your speed dial.

Cancer (Jun 22-July 22)The random guy who got in your bed this weekend will cause a fight between you and your roommate over who let the hobo in. It could be worse; at least he’s not naked.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) It’s formal season! Get ready to see freezing girls in dresses and strappy shoes walking across campus in suit coats. Or you could be innovative and sell wraps when the buses arrive in Pike Lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)You plan your weekend around making YouTube videos with your friends. The new star: a pug in a batman costume.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)Evidently makeup is a lie. Be careful which brands you use; make sure it’s a good lie.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)That movie marathon you were planning will get cut short because of a fight over which Will Farrell movie to watch first – “Old School,” “Anchorman,” “Kicking and Screaming” or “Talladega Nights.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)The scavenger hunt you will participate in will turn into a vicious competition. Good thing band-aids were on the list!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)Take an afternoon to search every page of the University Web site. You never know where your picture might be.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)When you find a machine that makes peanut butter on eBay, you will go on a hunt for all the coolest kitchen gadgets. However, these would be more helpful if you actually had a kitchen.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)The iPhone is no longer the latest in phone technology – you should go out and buy a newer model today. There are some that download scents; you need one.